영어 문법, 문맥적으로 이상한 부분

My career path is not set yet, but I want to be like Steve Jobs.

 

My career path hasn't been decided yet, but I want to major in urban sociology because I want to design cities. My role model is Steve Jobs. The first thing I want to emulate from him is his persistence. He faced many failures while developing computers, but he never gave up. I often give up easily in the middle of something, but he didn't. The second thing I want to learn from Steve Jobs is confidence. He confidently introduced products to the audience during his speeches. I don't feel confident when I speak normally, so I want to emulate Steve Jobs' confidence. Steve Jobs was born in the United States in 1955. He became interested in computers and created the 'Apple 1' in 1976. After that, he faced several failures and was even kicked out of his own company, but he returned and created many groundbreaking products, including the iPhone and iPad, before passing away in 2011. Steve Jobs' achievements include creating products that pursued simplicity in design and making people's lives more convenient by driving the growth of smartphones and the digital industry

 

영어 수행땜에 그러는데

이 글에서 문법적으로 어색하거나 문맥상 맞지 않는 부분 있다면 고쳐주세요

 

선생님 풀이)

 

<주요 수정 사항>

 

문장 자연스럽게 다듬기

"The first thing I want to emulate from him is his persistence."

→ "The first quality I want to emulate from him is persistence."

(더 자연스럽고 세련된 표현으로 수정)

"The second thing I want to learn from Steve Jobs is confidence."

→ "The second trait I want to learn from Steve Jobs is confidence."

(더 다양한 단어 사용으로 문장을 세련되게)

 

문장 연결을 부드럽게 조정

"He faced many failures while developing computers, but he never gave up."

→ "He faced many failures while developing computers, yet he never gave up."

("but" 대신 "yet" 사용으로 더 자연스럽게)

"I don't feel confident when I speak normally, so I want to emulate Steve Jobs' confidence."

→ "I, on the other hand, lack confidence when I speak, so I hope to emulate his ability to present ideas boldly."

(더 자연스럽고 구체적인 표현으로 수정)

 

Apple 제품명 정확히 수정

"Apple 1" → "Apple I"

(공식 표기 방식에 맞게 수정)

 

문장 명확하게 정리

"After that, he faced several failures and was even kicked out of his own company, but he returned and created many groundbreaking products, including the iPhone and iPad, before passing away in 2011."

→ "Despite facing numerous setbacks and even being ousted from his own company, he made a triumphant return and developed groundbreaking products such as the iPhone and iPad before passing away in 2011."

(더 세련된 표현과 문장 구조로 다듬음)

 

(완성)

My career path hasn't been decided yet, but I want to major in urban sociology because I aspire to design cities. My role model is Steve Jobs. The first quality I want to emulate from him is persistence. He faced many failures while developing computers, yet he never gave up. In contrast, I often give up easily, but I want to change that by learning from his perseverance.

The second trait I want to learn from Steve Jobs is confidence. He introduced products to audiences with remarkable confidence during his speeches. I, on the other hand, lack confidence when I speak, so I hope to emulate his ability to present ideas boldly.

Steve Jobs was born in the United States in 1955. He became interested in computers and created the 'Apple I' in 1976. Despite facing numerous setbacks and even being ousted from his own company, he made a triumphant return and developed groundbreaking products such as the iPhone and iPad before passing away in 2011. His achievements include designing products that emphasized simplicity and significantly improving people's lives by driving the growth of smartphones and the digital industry.

 

(해석)

내 진로는 아직 결정되지 않았지만, 나는 도시를 설계하고 싶어서 도시사회학(Urban Sociology)을 전공하고 싶다.

나의 롤 모델은 스티브 잡스다.

내가 그에게서 본받고 싶은 첫 번째 자질은 끈기(persistence)다. 그는 컴퓨터를 개발하면서 수많은 실패를 겪었지만, 결코 포기하지 않았다. 반면 나는 무언가를 하다가 쉽게 포기하는 편인데, 그의 끈기를 배우고 싶다.

내가 스티브 잡스로부터 배우고 싶은 두 번째 자질은 자신감(confidence)이다. 그는 제품을 발표할 때 매우 당당한 태도로 청중 앞에서 소개했다. 하지만 나는 평소 말할 때 자신감이 부족하다. 그래서 그의 당당하게 아이디어를 전달하는 능력을 본받고 싶다.

스티브 잡스는 1955년 미국에서 태어났다. 그는 컴퓨터에 관심을 가지게 되었고, 1976년에 Apple I 을 만들었다. 이후 수많은 실패를 겪었고, 심지어 자신이 창립한 회사에서 쫓겨나기도 했다. 그러나 그는 극적으로 복귀했고, 아이폰(iPhone)과 아이패드(iPad) 같은 혁신적인 제품을 개발했다. 그러던 중 2011년에 세상을 떠났다.

그의 업적은 단순함을 추구하는 디자인 철학을 구현한 것이며, 스마트폰과 디지털 산업의 성장을 이끌어 사람들의 삶을 더욱 편리하게 만든 것이다.